My Journey

November 2, 2020, 9:18 pm at night.

I have been staring at a medicine bottle for an hour. Three minutes later I'm going to make the decision that's going to change my life, but at that moment, I was still wondering in my thoughts - 

"It has been five years, five years... Am I going to take it forever..."

Yes, it has been five years since I was diagnosed with bipolar II disorder. I've been taking pills ever since but still suffer from the never-ending depression and the sudden attacks of my emotional outbursts. If you’re not familiar with depression, it's a world of grey where all the pleasure brings you no joy. There isn’t too much pain, to be honest, but only the endless void eating my soul.

In brief, it's the life of a living dead.

I finally decided - I'm going to stop taking this stupid pill. I'm going to stop counting on others, anyone, to fix my problem. I'll take full responsibility for my life, even if it means I'm going to go down this path alone.

I've determined - and the medicine bottles are in the trash.

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December 23, 2021, night in Las Vegas.

I get a call when I'm walking on the Stripe bumping shoulders with the crowd.

It has been a year since I threw away my pills. Since then, I have tried many things to get myself back to normal - taking a 3-month life coaching training with the goal of saving myself and helping others; shutting myself into complete silence on a 10-day Vipassana retreat; attending a group counseling with eight strangers opening up my wound again and again.

They all help a while, but then that void will always come back. The good thing is my condition didn't get worse after stopping the pills (it's interesting to think back to how a pill that makes you numb can help you treat the illness that makes you numb).

The biggest change I made this year is the enrollment in the MBA program at Babson College. As I believe I'm a born entrepreneur at the core, there's no better place to go than the #1 ranked entrepreneurship school in the world. The problem is - this is the first time I have gone abroad, and I can barely speak English (I managed to waive my TOFEL and GMAT score due to Covid).

When I landed at Boston Logan Airport alone in August, there started the survival mode of my life.

As I couldn't figure out where to buy tools at first (I lived in a rural area with no supermarket or public transportation nearby), I left my IKEA bed unassembled for a week and eventually slept on the floor for a year as I found the carpet is more comfort than any the mattress I could afford.

In the first class at college, even though I had lowered the bar for myself, I was shocked to realize that I could understand no word from the professor, let me repeat, not a single word! That preluded to the struggle of my first semester, where I made no friends and kept sleeping on the floor.

Luckily, I still have my girlfriend. In case I forgot to tell you, she's the reason I came to the US - to study with her and get married after our graduation.

Oh, that call on the Stripe, it was calling from her.

And it's a break-up call - one day before Christmas Eve.

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So I ended up traveling alone on the trip that I had planned for two and developing the routine of a 2-hour morning cry to kick off the day. I'm grateful for the sunshine in California and the warmth of my friends. They really heal my sorrow a lot.

January 6, 2022, 4:30 pm.

Two days after I got back home when I just finished a lake walk, the darkness got me. There's no word I can find to describe the soul-biting feeling at that moment - but it's more painful than death to me - and I'd surely do it if the image of my parents crying didn't flash.

Outside that darkness is complete isolation.

My family and friends in China are still sleeping, they won't be able to get on the phone even if I call. My friends in the US have been bothered by me in the past two months and I don't want to lay burdens on them anymore. As I didn't manage to make any trusting friends in Boston, the only person I trusted and could reach out to was my ex. As you could think about it, that's not an option either.

So there I was, at the moment with tremendous pain and had literally no one I could talk with on this planet.

That is the moment I asked myself “Is this what I want to end with - no love, no friends, no meaning, nothing?”

There I heard a voice shouting in silence.

"Noooo!"

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This starts the transformation where I challenge myself to all the "impossible". Because it's no longer an option to me - it's a matter of life or death.

Yes, I'm introverted, shy, and awkward, but I have to get out and reach out.

Yes, I'm nervous, stuttering, and unconfident, but I have to stand up and speak up.

Yes, it feels uncertain, out of control, and full of danger, but I have to step out of my safe zone and get into the things I've never done in the past 30 years.

Through countless awkwardness, burnouts, and drained-out, I finally learned to:

• Love myself (“As I began to love myself” is my favorite poem I read every morning)
• Value myself (which has become the topic of my commencement speech)
• Defend myself (sometimes it’s okay to be a jerk, especially when you’re dealing with one)
• Express myself (realizing I deserve the time of others and my voice worth heard)

I've also unlocked the experience I've never had:

• The joy of talking with people (Yes, I've never enjoyed talking with people before)
• The joy of meeting new friends (that only made me feel nervous before)
• Being trusted and valued (I've never figured out why anyone wants to talk with me cause I think I'm just a valueless piece of sh*t)
• Being loved and supported (I always said that "I don't trust people")

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It's such a surprise to my friends (to be honest, I'd be the one surprised the most) that I've turned into the kind of character that people would consider extroverted, outgoing, and well-connected.

I've become someone who will have a new friend every week - I developed a system that I called the "chain reaction of friendship-making" that will continuously bring in quality connections without hustling.

I've become someone who can talk to people I meet for the first time and earn their trust. - thanks to the "dynamics of value exchange" I discovered in human interactions.

I've become someone who can get access to people I need help from (both in my personal life and business) and become part of the community even when I jumped into a new domain - by using the technique of "social navigation" that I created for the isolated me.

I've become someone who can settle conflicts, stand out for friends, and defend my own interests without making enemies - by following the "2/3 rule" I set for interpersonal boundaries.

I've become someone who can comfort, reconnect, and strengthen the relationship with parents and close friends after arguments and disagreements - a communication method that can turn "you and me" into the perspective of "we".

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Don't get me wrong. I still have troubles and many questions in my life haven't figured out.

But the journey I've been through showed me that even the most impossible today is possible one day and even become effortless someday. Even a person who once hated people (Yes, you read it right. That was me) can learn to trust others and bridge connections with people from different countries, cultures, age groups, or social classes.

The depression and bipolar that bothered me for years have gone without my notice. There I learned, that depression, loneliness, or isolation, is not a psychological illness of individuals but a collective dysfunction of a society.

Developing our social strength and wellness is the way to fight against this collective dysfunction as an individual and the way to recover the social bonds everyone's longing for as a unity.

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Disclaimer: My experience does not indicate that you should do the same in the same situation (e.g. stop taking your medication). Mental illnesses such as bipolar disorder can be fatal if not treated promptly and properly. If you are in these situations, consult your doctor.